Bitching about the TTC is as Torontonian as being an affluent white kid named Tucker who says "mandem". Now I've never tried using public transportation in cities like Miami, Mumbai or Mogadishu, but I can confirm without a shadow of a doubt that the Toronto Transit Commission is the worst public transportation system in the world. When that streetcar is late by even a hair, it makes me so mad I could squirt a Brown's Line into my drawers and shove a Red Rocket up the TTC's Humber Loop. Oh, this bus is "out of service"? Get out and push the motherfucker, Mr. Driver! I don't care if you have bursitis; we all know you have benefits. You can afford shiatsu - I need to make it to the cineplex early for TimePlay and the rapturous aura of thespian wizardry that is Tanner Zipchen. I mean, can't the TTC have a subway train ready for me whenever I set my royal feet down upon the platform? Why am I waiting here like a jackass for two entire minutes, reading the Italiano bread ads that line the tunnel and checking CHL scores on CP24 screens? Would it kill you to put a Keurig machine down here? This must be what the pilgrims felt like traversing the Atlantic (and eating limes and sodomizing each other to pass the time). Sure, I may not have an engineering degree or a remote grasp of urban planning or mechanics or compassion and understanding, but if you're anything like me, you're smarter than everybody else! That's why today, I am announcing my crowdfunding endeavors to create my own TTC that will never fuck up. I call it, "The TT-See? It Isn't That Hard!" Building and running a transportation system is as easy as spearheading the digging of dozens of kilometres-worth of tunnels big enough for giant metal trains to pass through, filling the tunnels with electricity pipes and communications systems and then ensuring the system's smooth operation for 100 years. It's so easy, even a comprehensive network of 12,000 diversely skilled employees striving to move 2.76 million people daily could do it! -SPITTING ON EMPLOYEES WELCOME At "The TT-See? It Isn't That Hard" -or T-SITH- we will ask that you first and foremost please spit on our employees. Nothing keeps an employee in line like bodily fluids. All manners of noogies, Indian burns and Dutch rubs also encouraged. -ONE STRIKE RULE If our staff messes up even once, they're fired (and maybe doxxed). T-SITH ain't some endless carousel of second chances like Zach Braff's career, ya heard? Booth lady didn't hear you mumble through the glass window? Axed! Take the corncobs outta your ears, booth lady! Then maybe track down some more corn, and shuck it to get better ears! Bye, booth lady! -PERFORMANCE INCENTIVES In order to preserve our employees' commitment to excellence, a gun on a stand will be installed in every T-SITH vehicle and permanently trained on the drivers. Riders will be encouraged to reach for the gun when drivers get uppity and even pull the trigger when push comes to shove, i.e. "Please don't spit on me-" BANG! The first bullet in the chamber will be a blank, but the second will be a hollow-point bullet full of poison. Dangerous men in long black coats will come around daily to monitor and refill the guns. -LABOR LAW CIRCUMVENTION In order to avoid lawsuits from disgruntled or maimed employees, T-SITH's head office will be based in Honduras, where the labor laws are frankly laughable. Did you know that "fuck-stick" was an actual profession listed in the 2018 Honduran census? The pay is terrible, but so are the hours and the fuck-sticking. -VIOLENTLY FAST TRAINS T-SITH trains will travel oh, I dunno - A MILLION MILES AN HOUR (BYO-Neckbrace). That way, your precious little self will never be late for your little spirulina harvest or whatever, even though you probably should have left your home sooner instead of blindly putting your faith in the hands of an unpredictable, chaotic world you chose to blame. -PULLING THE LITTLE DINGER THING ON THE BUS WILL MAKE THE BUS EXPLODE I hate that thing. -NO PRIORITY SEATING This is a Darwinian transportation system. Preggos, cripples, gimps, even the blindies and the deaf-os will have to fight for seating like it's the last baby leg in the post-apocalyptic wasteland, just like the rest of us. We will also uphold the TTC ridership's tradition of piling into the busses, cars and subways like barbarians because the concept of forming a line is admittedly pretty advanced for you slack-jawed Ontarians. -HOW MUCH IS ONE FARE? I've crunched the numbers and judging by the above specs it looks like riding the T-SITH will cost you $4,556 per block, or 4-grand even for students (if you don't have your student card, you get a cigarette put out on your cheek). -GO FUND ME I've already done enough work by thinking about this for 20 minutes, so I'll let you -the lucky beneficiaries of my genius- pony up the mullah. Planning, space-age tech R&D, construction, bribing of officials, Honduran rent, bus detonators and guns look to run me about 880 billion dollars. The GoFundMe reward tiers are as follows: -If you donate the entire 880B, you get free rides for a month and we name one of the subway stations after your stripper name. Mine is "Quicksand Obama" (current consistency of your stool + the president you think most kisses good). -If you donate $100,000, you get a hat with "the TTC is all pedos" embroidered on the front in papyrus font. -If you donate $1,000, you get a personalized video from me thanking you for being a stupid little sucker and I'm blowing it all on Sour Patch Kids. -If you donate $100, don't you think you could donate a little more than that? -If you donate $10, you get a million dollars in HMV gift cards. I'm a proud graduate from School Of Nothing Is Ever My Fault and like you, have my sense of entitlement and thirst for immediacy in-check. So there you have it. Stop whining and throw money at me. Here's the GoFundMe link:
https://www.gofundme.com/teaching-the-world-that-god-is-real About the author: Hunter Collins is a traveling bassoon cleaner who checks into libraries to use their internet.
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AuthorHunter Collins is a Toronto-based comedian originally from Montreal. Archives
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